Learning To Be A Merman

Merman Tiun, Siren Lexine, and Mermaid Cimi

The skills we mastered during the second half of the class progressed at an unbelievable speed; just minutes after attaching the ankle straps to our sock-like fins, we were elegantly diving down in the deep end, rolling sideways through underwater hula hoops and holding handstands to effectively show off our tails. 

But still, our accomplishments were nothing compared to Merman Tiun’s, flicking his body through the water with ease despite the weight of an estimated 1kg fabric tail strapped to his torso, attached only with the aid of lots and lots of baby oil.

For every bit of disbelief — "I’ve never met a merman" — he has a "You know, I don’t know many humans, are you a real human?" retort. As a lifelong swimmer, lifeguard, and water safety instructor, for him, it’s no big deal, but we merman freshmen would have a long way to go before being "real" mermen/mermaids. 

It sounds silly, to aspire to don a silicon walking inhibitor, but the glistening tail is pure magic; surrounding children's’ eyes explode like a Snapchat filter when he wiggles through the pool, telling them "When I was born, [my tail] was a lot more white, and then I got blue on it!" to play up their sense of wonder.

It’s no surprise that Merman Tiun is the go-to for children’s parties; he’s bubbly and friendly and loves playing underwater games and having fun with the kids. Parties and events are a lot of the mermaning business, though it’s only one of the many offerings TIUTAC Entertainment brings to Saigon-area events. 

There’s standard fare like face painting and pirates and balloon twisters; for the extra-special party, they even offer fairies and zombies and hula dancers and unicorn rides atop a glimmering white horse.

The company was founded in 2014 but the TIUTAC Merman Tails "construction line" came in 2015; when you have a staff of lifeguards and skilled mermen/mermaids and party attendees wearing fabric tails in the water and not quite knowing the technique for swimming in them, an educational component just sort of makes sense. 

The school helps for safety, sure, but also for honoring the long-held and often unexpressed dreams of half-fish enthusiasts; one mermaid in my class (yes, women take it too!) arrived from out of town with her fins, and swam so well that at first I assumed she was a ringer.

"Merman School is always a unique adventure based on each class! We've had surprise birthdays, weddings, corporate friends, date days, and others decided to day trip with us," 

Truly "fin-tastic," as he puts it

There are five fellow mer-thusiasts in my class as well as an MIT — Merman In Training — who participated in our class, slipping into the big fin for his first time in the end.

MITs have been approved through interviews and certification checks, but are in the process of developing skills like character work, presentation while swim training, and multi-tasking while speaking.

Mermaid Cimi tells me this is to "turn out exceptional, safe, and confident talent to deliver the best possible service to our event and party clients:" it’s clear that for how silly the concept of merman training is, they take it incredibly seriously and professionally.

Which begs the question, of course: where does the modern-day merman suit up? All of TIUTAC’s mermaids/mermen are also lifeguards, and they never attend a party alone; partly because they can’t use their legs and are instead rolled in on "mermaid carts." Which begs the question, of course: where does the modern-day mermaid suit up?

"We either sneak in… early to change or I’ve actually changed behind a car, in the car, in random alleyways, behind stores, and then driving there," Merman Tiun tells me, with a laugh. Dunking your legs in baby oil in the backseat and then driving in a fin — Ariel had it so much easier.

There’s an etiquette, too — being a merman is all about grace. "We come up and we breathe elegantly with a smile!" Merman Tiun announced throughout the class, "Because mermaids/mermen are always pretty!"

This mermaid, in my Canadian flag-print one-piece Speedo and too-tight goggles, didn’t fit the bill, but I noticed Mermaid Cimi’s lipstick stayed put throughout class like a TIUTAC employee’s. 

The mermaids share makeup tips, and her swear-bys include red lip stain, liquid eyeshadow, cream blush, and layering waterproof mascara under a waterproofing mascara for double-duty staying power. 

Since she does more parties instead of Hollywood gigs, she doesn’t have to glam up too much, but the other mermaids have to straighten and then curl their hair for glamorous waves. 

Her seashell bra top, covered in fishnet and shells like a Hollywood costume that she happened to make herself, truly looks like the real thing.

While we human SeaMonkeys conquer the class’ final challenges, flipping our neon tails in the four feet of water, Mermaid Cimi glides through the water with ease, lipstick unsmudged, outfit intact, two legs propelling as one. Modern-day mermaiding really is magic after all.